The End.

Well, this is it. Getting on a plane home in a matter of hours rather than months, weeks, days. I'm looking forward to it, but also sad to leave Asia, I feel very settled and would be quite up for another jaunt round Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia. But money/ time is holding me back, and I'm also suffering from a mysterious tropical disease, which I'm praying won't generate into dengue, so I guess it's time to head home. I realised today that this will be the first time I've spent more than one night in my own bed in six months and I must say, I'm quite excited, because it's rather comfy, especially compared to the sheets of hard hard rubber they call "mattresses" in Asia.
So in the time-honoured tradition (started about 6 weeks ago by Big Nessy J) here is a list, well actually, two: Things I will miss about Asia and Things I will not miss about Asia

Things I will not miss about Asia

1. Pavements that are like obstacle courses, complete with gross puddles erupting from dodgy paving stones
2. Feeling like you've run a marathon after walking down the street
3. Mosquito bites
4. The ridiculously long distances places are from each other
5. "Hey, you, where you go?"

Things I will miss about Asia

1. Delicious iced drinks for ridiculously low prices, especially mocha yen from Coffeezilla and cha yen from Mr. Willeam
2. Feeling the wind in your hair riding a motorbike without a helmet
3. Sangsom (cheap but delicious Thai rum)
4. The food. Oh my god, the food. Especially street pad thai, garden kaeng phet (red curry), northern sausage, chayote with garlic and oyster sauce, Thai omelettes, northern roast pork, temple khao soy, suki, ka-nom, iberry ice cream, jasmine rice, pad kra pao... ok, everything.
5. The people: Win and Nicky, reppin' Thailand, but also all the Americans, Canadians, Australians,  English, Vietnamese, Lao, Chinese, Burmese/ Lisu, Thai Yai, Malaysian.... the list goes on. But everyone I've worked with who have all been absolutely lovely, even if they did make fun of my accent (Americans), force me to drink (Win, prime culprit, but also Clara), make me eat parts of a pig that no-one should eat (again, WIN but also Nicky), rufie me (Win yet again) or just generally bullied me.

Anyway, it's been an amazing summer but it's time to go home now. First on the list for when I get back are proper bread, well toast and marmite, cheese, sleeping, moving in to the House of Leck and also catching up with all you lovely people patient enough to read right to the end of my blog in real life!

Bangkok and the Bus from Hell

I'm back in Bangkok (for the fourth time in my life) and for a change, I'm actually starting to like the place. It seems to get better every time I come here. I think the difference is that this time I'm staying in Silom, rather than Khao San Road, the backpacker capital of the world and possibly the Worst. Place. Ever.

Well it's not too bad... if you want to book a cheap bus ticket to pretty much anywhere, buy harem pants and fake sunglasses and drink cheap sang som. But I'm not in the mood for all that at the moment so I decided to stay somewhere a bit more anonymous, and so I'm now tucked away in a hostel on a back street in Silom, the business district.
This is actually quite a promising location - the skytrain is just down the road and I can get to anywhere in the city (except for the dreaded Khao San Road, which has no transport links whatsoever except backpacker buses) for 20 baht on the skytrain, which is shiny and super air-conditioned. Today I ventured to Siam Square, where I checked out Siam Paragon, Bangkok's fanciest mall and looked at things I couldn't afford, like Mulberry handbags and italian-thai fusion cuisine. The air conditioning was nice though... then I headed out to the street market, got an iced coffee and generally had a wander. It felt a bit like New York or maybe Singapore, giant malls, big brands and sunshine. And for the first time, I began to quite like Bangkok. I had a hint of this wandering road Jatujak market last time around and now I really get it... Bangkok is trendy and shiny, full of beautiful people and with malls, restaurants, cafes and bars everywhere, if you can afford them. Sadly I now have no money and I'm on my own, so I'm not really in much of a position to enjoy it but still, if I ever hit Bangkok for a 5th and final time, it's gonna be amazing. Tomorrow I'm going to hunt down some contemporary art.... there's a promising exhibition about being a minority by a feminist and a gay native of Isaan (one of Thailand's most rural and poor provinces, in fact where I was last night, but on to that in a minute) that sounds very me. Today it was a bit difficult to do much because it's the 4th anniversary of the coup that outed Thaksin Shinawatra (the leader the red shirts all support) so there's a massive red shirt rally downtown. I saw it from the skytrain. I'm really hoping it doesn't get violent or cause trouble because a) I don't want to get blown up and b) I want to be able to catch my plane home tomorrow!
Anyway, before Bangkok there was Nong Khai, a sleepy riverside town just across the Mekong from Laos. I went to the pretty awesome and crazy hindu mystic sculpture park which involved giant snakes,  climbing into the mouth of a stone dragon and skeletons holding hands, as well as sunburn from cycling down the highway. Most of my time though, was spent sitting in the hostel garden on the riverbank and gazing at Laos on the other side. It was kind of nice to be somewhere fairly off the beaten track though, just a random Thai town without much to recommend it. Unfortunately, the journey from there to here was fairly hellish. I would have been quite willing to pay the extra 100 baht (£2) for the 1st class bus, but couldn't find it, so instead I got the 2nd class bus. This was a mistake.

The Bus: I know it doesn't look that bad but trust me, it really was

The bus left at 5.30pm, which in itself was absurd because it was an 11.5 hour journey, meaning we would arrive in Bangkok at 5am. At 6.30pm, after being on the road an hour (and having already stopped once), we arrived in Udon Thani. We then waited there for an HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES, with a full bus of passengers, for no discernible reason. I was the only foreigner on the bus and my Thai isn't good enough to ask why we were waiting, but it is good enough to know that at no point did the driver suggest we could go eat, go to the bathroom, or do anything other than sit in the bus. I was beginning to panic that the bus had broken down and I'd be out on my own in Udon Thani, but eventually we left again, only to stop again approximately every thirty minutes FOR THE ENTIRE SEVEN HOUR JOURNEY. (apologies for all the caps lock but I'm really quite irate). We also had the standard thai bus absurdly timed food stop, at 1am this time, and the old asian classic, turning on very loud local pop music at some ungodly hour of the morning, in this case 3am. I'm used to this and now have the ideal weapon: my bloody valentine's "loveless" at full volume, an epic wall of sound but also quite soothing. Lifesaver. Still, any thought of actual sleep was firmly crushed by the hard seats and the fact that at every one of the approximately one million stops along the way, they turned on all the lights at shouted in Thai. Finally the nightmare was over and we arrived in Bangkok AT THE WRONG FUCKING BUS STATION. At this point I just wanted to get to a bed as fast as possible, so I grabbed a 7-11 pizza bread to soothe my soul and jumped in a taxi meter to my hostel in Silom. Thankfully there was no traffic (one of the few benefits of arriving at 5am) and I arrived at my hostel by 5.30, paying only 100 baht... thus making the journey from hell equal in cost to the 1st class bus that would have arrived at a time for sane people who could get the skytrain. However, the journey had one last sting in its tail... the hostel was locked. I stood there banging on the door and was just about to sit on the kerb and sob, when finally things changed for the better and the door was answered... by an incredibly sexy english-Vietnamese guy, who I then did my best to chat up, despite the fact that I looked and smelled awful from the long journey (and the sunburnt cycling) and I had had no sleep so I was getting slightly delirious. And then I got a bed and all was well. The End.

Vientiane

I forgot just how much I liked Vientiane. I was beginning to see the whole trip as a bit of a chore, because I was so sad to be leaving Chiang Mai and didn’t relish the thought of a 14 hour journey, even if it was on a VIP bus. But actually, after the 17 hour red truck, VIP bus, local bus, tuk tuk, shuttle bus, tuk tuk and yet another tuk tuk extravaganza, I was across the border and firmly settled in Vientiane.

The city is an odd mix of French colonial architecture and very Lao temples, with tropical plants popping up in between the cafes serving fresh baguettes and croissants. The pace of life here is slower than Thailand, and I was perfectly happy in the afternoon just to stroll around, through the city and then along the banks of the Mekong.

Sadly, the cheap food stalls where you could sit on a mat on the floor and eat a local meal are gone because of a development project on the river. I’ve written about it before so I won’t dwell on it now – something I didn’t realise was that the project should actually stop the city being flooded, and there is now a lovely park where you can sit on a rusty swing seat and look at Thailand across the river.

For lunch I went to JoMa, Lao’s answer to starbucks and had a hoummus and roasted vegetable wrap (with olives – I nearly came) and an iced coffee. JoMa is pricey but it’s also epicly good, and I have been deprived of middle class food for months, so I indulged. I don’t think I’ll get a chance to eat the street baguettes, which are outrageously good – I even saw the Vietnamese ones which are one of my favourite asian snacks. If I have any kip left I’ll get one for lunch – I’m desperate to avoid taking any across the border because its’ impossible to exchange.

In the evening I ticked off the other things on my lao to-do list – laap, beerlao and sticky rice in a bamboo basket. Just for the record, beerlao is the most delicious, smoothest beer in the world and your life isn’t complete till you’ve tried it.

 And laap was more yummy than I remembered it – cold minced pork with chillis, spring onions, mint leaves and unidentifiable local herbs. Laos is one of the world’s poorest countries and often overshadowed by Thailand, it’s richer neighbour, but one thing Lao people are really proud of is that they make the best sticky rice in the world.

So after a delicious meal I crashed out pretty early, and then took advantage of the free breakfast this morning. I’m now headed to the bus station to catch a local bus across the border, and planning to chill out for a night in Nong Khai before heading to Bangkok and then HOME. Hopefully this journey should be a relaxed hour and a half, although I’m expecting the worst bus in the world, but you never know – Lao time is considerably slower than Thai time so I have no idea when I’ll eventually make it… currently though, I’m soaking up the relaxed pace of life and not bothered about that at all.

Goodbye Chiang Mai!

Today is my last day in Chiang Mai before I make a seriously convoluted journey home, passing through Laos, Bangkok and Mumbai (airport). I'm sad to be leaving the people and the city but I think it's time to go. I'm the last intern left in the BABSEA house now and it's quite sad - although it's all changed since The Americans were here, and I did get a whole double bed to myself last night.
Apparently I am sharing the house with a ghost - my boss is firmly convinced the house is haunted and actually called a priest in to do a Thai exorcism or calming of the spirits. Apparently this involved offering the ghost a roast chicken, I kid you not. Thai people are quite strong believers in spirits and ghosts - a relic of a pre-buddhist animist tradition. Every house has a little "spirit house" outside and people normally offer the spirits food and incense.

Apparently wooden houses have the most ghosts in them because trees have spirits too. And if you do see a ghost (which is most likely if you're about to die, you're pregnant or you're a dog) you're not meant to mention it to anyone so the ghost doesn't know you know it's there. Anyway, over the past week we have managed to thoroughly freak ourselves out by telling ghost stories and living in a massive empty house is pretty creepy anyway, so it's probably best to leave before I give myself a heart attack.
That was completely unrelated to the whole "i'm leaving" theme but never mind. Chiang Mai is an awesome city and I've got very settled here - it's got a population of a million but it never feels too big because it's quite low rise and you can cycle everywhere. It's got plenty of wats and old things, but it's a massive student city so there's delicious cheap food on every corner and packed bars and clubs everywhere you turn. The cafes are trendy and the coffee is delicious, so you always bump into people just hanging out, studying whatever. No-one seems to stay at home because there's just too much fun to be had out and about. So yes, I love chiang mai and if you ever get a chance, come visit!
The saddest thing about leaving though isn't the city but the people, especially Win and Tze.

Xiaomei, Me, Win and Clara - dream team!

Both of them have taken me places you'd never go as a tourist, either in the front seat of Win's BMW or on the back of Tze's bright green motorbike. Win is a self-declared playboy who has mastered the English sexual innuendo, but also incredibly sweet and generous (like all the best playboys, you always think they're good boys). Tze's personality can be summed up by the fact that the three things he says he needs to be happy are japanese wood sandals, a micro pig and a packet of marlboro smooths. You'd better add chewing gum to that list, because despite being 24, he's still hiding the fact that he smokes from his mum. He also gets up at 5am every day to make the best noodles in Chiang Mai, before working at BABSEA and squeezing in studying for an MBA in between. Win studies law, takes us to restaurants, drinks black label whisky, goes to the gym and chats up girls. Over the past few weeks he's become a combination of tour guide, younger brother, chauffeur, study buddy and best friend and I'm not quite sure how I'll cope without him picking me up for lunch every day when I get home.
 I'm excited to be moving on though, beer lao and laap are callling me... after a 14 hour bus journey that is.

Lecker?

Today is one of my last days in Chiang Mai, so my colleagues took me out for a proper Northern Thai lunch. The restaurant was on the top floor of an old wooden house, you had to take your shoes off to go in, and once there, you sat on the floor. The best table had a hole in the floor underneath it so you could dangle your legs into nothingness.
I usually let Win and Nicky order for the table, but they generally have some pretty bizarre ideas about food (Nicky genuinely likes durian ice cream), and are determined for us to try "proper thai food". So lunch today involved, from the normal to the truly bizarre:

fish tom yam (fairly standard, but spicier than the english version and without coconut milk)
two whole fried fish, complete with heads
pork laap (shredded meat with chilli and herbs), but fried and crispy
tiny fried fish (eaten whole, including head and bones)
fried pig intestines
fermented egg salad
The fermented eggs deserve some explanation - they involve burying an egg for three months with some ash, after which it goes black and develops a kind of jelly-like consistency, but stays egg-shaped. This is the best picture I can find:

They look kind of fun, right? Stylish colour combination, maybe? And they taste better than they sound - just like a slightly more eggy egg. Especially when served with fish sauce with chilli and garlic, and a bit of shredded mango and maybe a few cashews.
But anyway, the moral of the story is that Thai food in England is NOTHING LIKE Thai food in Thailand. Well, the standard red curry green curry pad thai are all pretty similar, except they change the flavours a bit for westerners - less chilli and less fish sauce. And in Thailand, pad thai is a quick solo lunch, bought off the street wrapped in a banana leaf, rather than something to be eaten in a nice restaurant. But Northern food is totally different - think lots of pork, normally roasted or fried, rather than in a curry, sticky rice and an omelette here or there. For your vegetables you get possibly my favourite dish of all, fried chayote (a local dark green vegetable) with garlic and oyster sauce. And of course, the Chiang Mai staple, Khao soy, noodles in a spicy coconut milk soup, with crispy ones on top, served with bits of lime, chives and red onion.
If you venture out onto the street you get the truly weird and wonderful local dishes, involving every edible bit of an animal - pork skin, chicken feet, congealed blood, intestines. And eggs cooked every imaginable way - like egg shell omelette, for example. Or for dessert, a creamy coconut milk soup with a whole soft-boiled egg lurking beneath the surface. Thai people generally order "family style" too, with a big selection of dishes for everyone to share, meaning you can sample the weird stuff without being stuck with a whole bowl of blood soup, which is just grim.
And obviously, it all costs next to nothing. So then I get put off from eating Thai food in England, because it's only the boring options at generally 10 times the price, but nowhere near as good. Sigh.

headed for the open road

In my last few weeks here, my position has evolved (or possibly devolved) from "legal intern" to "glorified chauffeur". My job is to negotiate Chiang Mai's insane traffic in the infamous "rot BABSEA", a 20 year old mitsubishi champ with a few hundred thousand kilometers on the clock. I've already crashed it twice (lamp post, ditch), but no-one seems to notice, one of the perks of driving in Thailand. Downsides include a total lack of power steering, unmarked and pointy speed bumps on the road and other drivers. Thai drivers are, in a word, crazy. You think Italians are bad, but trust me, you ain't seen nothin' yet. On the motorway today people stopped to turn left without any kind of signalling, pulled u-turns in front of me, causing me to slam on my (pretty useless) brakes, and, most memorably, forced me to reverse round a corner for the first time since my driving test by powering up a very narrow soi towards me in an 18-wheeler.
But it can be fun too. The roads don't really have any speed limit, and I'm not paying for petrol, so it's fun to put your foot to the floor and head for the mountains. Today the shadows of trees on the straight road in front of me looked so much like oil from the distance I actually slowed down and tried to remember if you were supposed to turn into or out of a skid. Thankfully it was a mirage, because the split-second conclusion I came to was that I had absolutely no idea.
We were headed out to visit a couple of schools in Samkamplaeng to try and raise money for a marathon we're putting on in November. It's a beautiful place to drive, and today was a sunny respite from the grimness that is monsoon season. You see rice paddies on one side, little wooden houses on the other and mountains straight ahead, and you only have to slow round to swing round passing bicycles. When we got to the actual schools, me and Clara just smiled politely and let the Thai conversation wash over us. I picked up the bit when they looked at us and said "pratet angrit" (England) and "Oxford. The only reason we're there really is that in Thailand, your business looks better and more prestigious if you have a farang (foreigner) working for you. And the Oxford name has a lot of clout here, so they like to throw that one in, despite the fact that nothing in your university education has really prepared you for driving on Thai roads, which is the only useful thing you've done.
Ah well, I'm not complaining. It's fun to go as fast as you can, put some reggae on and head for the hills. It beats trying to u-turn on the ring-road anyway...

Gold label

Two Thai philosophies on drinking, from two experts on the subject:

"If you drink and you get drunk, it's fun. And if you drink more and get more drunk, then it's even more fun!" (Tze)

Win: "Are you drunk?"
Me: "No"
Win: "then drink!"

Pretty much sums it up.